The Logic of Stoicism

Hey, its me Wangui and I must say it has been a while since I have published anything for over a year now and all that will be explained in this blog. I might not be able to exhaust everything in this one blog but I might make it a part on part series, I still have not decided yet but let me just get started. The last time I posted anything was probably in April, 2019 and I just had so much going on from then on till now that I honestly did not think I would ever gather the courage to get back into this space of writing. I was still figuring out what I wanted to do and where I was in terms of school, I was dealing with some major mental issues, trying to please my family and also dealing with a relationship.

I honestly believed that I could handle it all but as time went by, that grew to be difficult and would truly drain me and I still had not yet figured out what I really wanted. At some point I decided to take a step back with everything and really internalize what the problem was and why I felt like I was losing all control of my life. I was convinced that it was “normal” to feel as overwhelmed as I did and that it was a part of “life”. These are all the things I saw people convincing themselves on in real life and on the internet and I let my life be controlled by this so called “normal life”. Why do we NEVER listen to ourselves? What makes what people say so right and ours not? Why do we think we have no capability to make decisions out of what we deeply believe in? What makes others so special? The answer is ME. All those answers always point to me. I make people become so much of a priority and listen to them so often that I unconsciously block my own voice and by the time you realize how silent you have been, you are drowning in problems that were not yours to begin with.

I decided to then quit the course that I was doing, quit my relationship, pause my friendships, and try to make a decision one step at a time without feeling so much pressure on when I am supposed to start University, how not being in a relationship makes you feel alone and how I always need to be there for everybody. I JUST WANT TO STOP! STOP MOVING WANGUI, JUST STOP! The moment I uttered those words to myself, I made a go ahead. I started looking for my interests, searching for what I truly desired, what I actually vision myself becoming and accomplishing and once I was positive on my decision, I took my decision to my sponsor (my dad) and he even was convinced that it was what I needed and I tell you I am damn good at what I am doing now, so far. I took time off relationships and dating because honestly speaking what am I really looking for right now? I would just rather prioritize things that I am assured of in the future and I know in my heart that if I was to ever get into a relationship right now, I am not assured of anything. Friends? They will just remain friends. I will make sure to constantly remind myself that I should never put my interests way below others wants. Friends will always have other friends, do not kill yourself over somethings that you are not in control over.

I also moved out from where I was living which has also been an upside to my current life. I did not hate where I lived, I just really felt a sense of suppression into who I was and that was something that really drained my personality and I turned into things that helped me exhilarate who I really was. I drank a lot because in that state, I felt like I did not really care what people thought about me and in a way it numbed me. I was not addicted, not at all, I just drank more often that I normal would. After moving out I felt a certain type of peace I did not think I would feel in a while and it was one thing I truly longed for.

Through all these changes, I still dealt with challenges and difficulties and those are one of the perks that comes with change and for some I was ready to deal with head-on but some caught me off guard. I have made mistakes and I have made people unhappy, disappointed and even hurt some just to get to where I am today. I have decided to do a part on part series of my experiences and I will expand more on the mistakes I made and I hope that this will help me look back onto not repeating these same mistakes and maybe even be a learning tool for other people. I will also speak of a pandemic that came this year of 2020 and how I dealt with it and how it has changed me in almost all aspects of my life. I am so excited to continue writing and I hope I will continue to show who I really am.

THE ART OF LOVING AND THE PROCESS OF ACCEPTING MYSELF.

Hey my Oceans

This past month has been of the most hysterical moments in my growing up journey. Its just been filled with so much emotions and decisions I have had to make which are life changing. The few things I have had to deal with are concerning my journey in loving and accepting myself, I know, such a broad way of saying it but I will narrow it down in a bit but first let me say this, Its never that serious, but it still matters all in all.

MY BODY; This has been one of the most challenging parts about me. I used to hate how my body looked different from all my friends. I had my moments of self confidence and would brush off all the indirectly thrown at statements from even my family. Then I reached a stage in my life where I would tell myself, its not about what I look like but about who I am. My character, personality, interests, and so much more. So I started focusing more on that than what I looked like. And as some years went by, this methodology was working and it was not because of what changed with my friends and family, but from what I changed within that made it all different. Its amazing how much your mind can make you feel from the ugliest person in the room, to this most incredible person in the world. I am not yet fully there but i can feel that energy coming on to me, and I am loving it. Another thing I have learnt about this process is the art of just taking comments and opinions optimistically no matter how negative they may sound. For instance, the part about me losing a little bit of weight and cutting on my intake of proteins and starch. We are the ones who choose how to take the message and how we are going to act on it. I know some people say it out of the goodness in hearts but just do not know how to say it in a way that does not offend us. I have come to accept that I do eat unhealthy most times and I don’t exercise a lot and one day this will be a problem that is hard and expensive to deal with. I feel like I am not in that space and place where I can start cutting on these things and exercising but guess what, I will NEVER be ready until I start. I cannot just sit and wait for “the moment” because there is no moment, there never will be. And once you get to see it in this light and that this is all for you trying to save yourself from a whole life full of hardships and pain, why not start now, now when I have the energy and the resources to do so. As I am writing this, I am praying and hoping that as I start this Journey, five years down the line, I will be thanking myself for doing me that favor and also those who walked with me through this journey. And I hope you understand me clearly, I haven’t talked about anything concerning perfection, not a perfect advertised body or lifestyle, but one which makes me feel content, and makes me feel like I am taking care of myself, not torturing it.

For a fact you are what you consume, be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, so choose wisely.

The other parts are concerning my career which I wish not to share today. Reason being I feel not ready to, yet ,and if there is one thing I came to learn from one of the most influential You Tuber and Blogger in Kenya is that if you are in place where you feel like you want to share something private about yourself and at the same time you feel not ready, just give it sometime and you will eventually come to a place where you will be more than willing to share. For now I have given a glimpse of what I have had to deal with for years and years, something in which I received some bullying in but I am still here.

I hope soon enough I will be able to share more and I am so glad I got to find myself a platform where I can express myself and the same time be able to do something that will help someone who is struggling with the same situations. Find some self peace, find some alone time, change that perspective and mind set and most of all give it all time and it will work out because after all, Rome was not built in one day.

A LETTER TO MY MUM

Dear Mum

I remember growing up, you have always shown me life exactly like it is. You have never hidden anything from me or at least that’s how you made me feel. And with this I grew attached to you. I was told from the moment I came into the world and I opened my my big bulb-like eyes, I literally lit up the whole room and most importantly you. You’ve always told me how much joy I was in your life and me being your only child and a spiting image of you made you want to get more attached to me. I’m guessing that’s why you nicknamed me BOJY (Bundle Of JoY). Your bundle of joy.

You were more than a mother to me. You were my sister, brother, mother, father and most importantly my best friend. You’ve always done your best to provide for me, to educate me, to love and cherish me. We never had much but we had enough. The amount of happiness I felt every morning waking up could not be compared to any kind of richness.

You were still strict. Oh mum strict as hell. And that is also part of the reason I am the person I am today. You nurtured me in every way you knew possible. You still disciplined me like any other African child would be (that mwiko way) and after getting serious ass beatings you would later on come to me trying to indirectly apologize telling me how you are not beating me but the devil or the mistake and you would bribe my smile with some fries and a fanta orange specifically. I’m guessing that’s why I was always so palm growing up.

Despite of that, I could still openly tell you about my hard times with friendships and even the relationships I used to be in. Even my most happiest remarkable moments I would experience, I wanted you to be a part of that and I am glad you allowed yourself to be. I am glad you allowed me to be a part of yours too. I remember how happy you were to open your first business and I was so excited for you because every moment of your success was mine and mine were yours.

Despite all the happy moments we had, we had challenges of our own. We would scream at each other, cry, get so angry, not talk for days but we always resolved it.                             Mum I am sorry. I am so sorry for the times I made you cry due to my hurting words. I just never got to understand why you tolerated my father so much. I hated how you would let him speak to you, how he treated you, I just hated it and I hated him for that then. I felt like we didn’t need him at all. I still didn’t know why he was still in our lives because I was perfectly okay having you as my only shield. I never got to understand it all then. But I do now. I understand that you endured all that for me and I was taking it for granted and I’m sorry I never got a chance to see it earlier and I didn’t get a chance to say I am sorry.

I get it now mum. I get you needed the help because the money was not enough. I get that it wasn’t in anyway by choice that you would let yourself get hurt like for no reason because whatever hurt you, hurt me too. I get that you had already served your purpose in raising me to be who I am growing and learning to be. I get that a connection between me and my father had to come together not through how he treated you but through how he loves me. I get it now but there is not a day that passes that I feel it happened too soon or wish you were still here to guide me on some issues or be with me during my happy moments. I still have to keep reminding myself that you are closer to me than you could have ever been right this moment and I am thankful for that.

I thank God for the time I had with you. The good and the not so good times. He saw it all before any of us could and He still has purpose for it’s happening. At least you have company now. You have grandma (Cucu) and she was just as wonderful as you were.         Even as I grow with maturity and love and kindness may you keep watching over me and be my guiding angel because there are times when I can truly feel your presence and in that moment I am flooded by peace. And even as I become a mother myself, may I pass on the values that you passed on to me and I promise my children will get to know you.

PS: I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

 

Abide by the Cornerstone.

Hey Oceans

Writing this I still have no title for what I am about to write because today I am filled with different emotions that cannot just be summed up but I hope by the end of this I will have one.

This past week has been quite an interesting week for me and I have laughed a lot, I have learned a lot and I have tried being there too. I will start with what I have done and learnt this past week.

This week, a friends dad passed away, may his soul rest in peace. This is where my lesson comes in. As you all know by now, I have lost a parent too and so I know it feels like. Sometimes you just want to be surrounded by friends and family and friends and sometimes you just don’t want any kind of company, just privacy. This is the kind of confused state I was in this week. I am not close with this person, I actually don’t know him well but the point is I know him, he already exists in my mind, I have talked to him, we have mutual friends so either way he is a friend. When I heard the sad news, I immediately knew have I have to be there for this person, one way or another. I can sacrifice my time and some resources to let this person know that they have an extra support system despite them having family and close friends. I will be there at the corner making sure that you are alright. Why I was confused was because I thought that this person would keep wondering why I am there and all that, maybe he just wants relatives and friends and that’s it. But when I attended the mass, and only my Best friend and I were present, I was a bit uncomfortable at first non of our other mutual friends were present. Then as I sat there, I started realizing that it doesn’t matter at all whether they were there or not, all that mattered was him and that I was there for any kind of support he needed. Because I remembered the time that I was going through that difficult time in my life, I still remember the people who stood by me even if we weren’t as close. And that always sticks in your mind because you truly know those whom you can rely on. The lesson that I learned most from that experience was that it really doesn’t cost much you being there for somebody because in one way or another, even if it is not now, you will need them and what you do to them now determines whether they will be there for you either in the front row or in corner because either way they were still there.

 

This week also my sister and I went for Diner with our former church Evangelist who was recently ordained as an Elder and moved to Nyahururu. We decided to have this diner as a semi fair well and also a bonding time for us because she is our mentor. I was glad that I had a chance to tell her how I was fairing on with my life and what has improved and what is yet to be worked on and I always learn something new from her because we have being through similar situations and she is of course more woke on some of the things. There was a time and space in my life where I was completely lost and I didn’t know what I wanted, what I was doing, who I was, who I wanted to be. There was even a point in life I thought I was going crazy, always changing moods and I thought I was Bi polar. And since she did her masters in Psychology, I wanted her to give me some signs of Bi polarism and of course that’s a WHOLE other level of mental disorder. She didn’t send them to me and she told me the reason is because she a more reasonable explanation as to why I was low key going insane. Well I was still grieving. Yeah it’s been 5 years (wow it really has been 5 years and I’m still pushing on) but these kind of experiences never really go away. Aside from that, she still suggested that I went through all that because of my introvercial behaviour. Now let me first make a point, being an introvert does not necessarily mean that I am lonely, always shy, have no friends, no. Actually the main difference between an Introvert and an Extrovert is that WE introverts are social when we find it necessary. Introverts just process things internally and prefer minimally stimulated environments. Socializing is necessary sometimes , however it can get draining so alone time is preferred. And through this processing of knowing what we let out or not, we maybe tend to let out what does not affect us and keep inside the ones that do. So what she told me was to at least find a friend or a relative whom we are casually comfortable with and we just talk to them. It does not always have to be serious but also just casual talk. What I prefer myself is writing it down because through this I have no limits. I can fully express myself.  You too can do it be it through music, writing, talking, poems, photography, art, just whatever you feel you are more yourself with, don’t let it kill you, let it teach and mold you. Face them head on.

Have the most amazing week Oceans.

GROWTH SPIRITUALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY

 

HEY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

I know it’s been a while since I wrote. It’s the year 2019 and I feel like it started on a powerful note. No I didn’t cross over in church like I always do. That does not mean that I didn’t put God on this beautiful year that is ahead of me. Lately I have been in a peaceful space and I feel like this is a year to really embrace love, patience, courage, and a year to really reflect on who I am growing into. Today I will mention the things that I have experienced and learned from the year that passed.

The year 2018 was a challenging year spiritually and psychologically to me. I went through a spiritual crisis where I had completely forgotten the one person who was there for me. I came to realize that I put in more effort on people who mattered to me more than I mattered to them. I put in a lot of energy and emotion on something that I knew at the back of my mind would not work out. Be it friendships or whatever. I’ve always known that as long as I put Him first, no matter if things seem to be going opposite to what I expect, I always forgot that God doesn’t do things that seem good for you or make them go in a way that you view as good. God wants things going great for us. I was talking to a close friend of mine and they told me that the reason she struggles to pray is because every time she does so, things seem to be going from bad to worse. So one day I really started reflecting on that statement and I kept at the back of my mind that God would never want things going bad for us. So I gave an option to what I thought was going on. Once we go astray from God, there is one spirit that comes to fill up that gap created when you distanced yourself from God. And that spirit has been leading you astray making think that the plans it has been making for you are right but once you put God back in, all the plans of the evil one are disoriented in order to bring you back into the right track. The best option is to just move along with what the Lord is showing you without question and at the end of it all, you will see His great intentions for you. Once I said that I realized that was not only meant for her but for me too.

Psychologically, I was drained. From the rest of my family, I have a very conservative behavior whereby I tend to keep things to myself. Today morning, my sister was telling me how she normally tells me about her day and what usually goes on with her but for me I tell her months later and I don’t open up to her. The thing is, I was raised by a single parent and it was only the two of us always. I am not used to a bigger family as I have now. When I came here to live with my aunt, I really had a hard time adjusting to having siblings and just a bigger family. I came to a place where people speak their mind and fully express themselves, gathering together and talking about their day and just being what I never got to have. Till today I still struggle being able to just open up and this takes on a lot of energy than just speaking up. When someone does wrong to me or whatever, I tend to just keep quiet and keep it in and since all that frustration has no passage out, I would find myself getting psychologically drained and depressed and just a lonely feeling that I wouldn’t want to be put upon anybody. Somehow I learned and still learning how to deal with all this emotions of feeling unloved by the ones I love, rejected by the people who will never see my worth and also putting on baggage that is just all self activated and claimed. I started writing and also talked to my mum knowing that I didn’t have to get a direct response, I knew she was always listening and that’s all that matters.

With what I have expressed today, I hope I have put out a bit of encouragement. Everybody has a story that will make you cry but the fact that they told the story means that they are surviving it and so can you. I pray that this year I get to grow in every aspect in terms of just knowing what is best for me so that I can pass it on. Everything has a time and a purpose. I went through what I went through last year because it was it’s time to happen and it’s purpose is to know what I know and to grow from it. Even as the year continues, learn how to give your all because in one way or another, it will be reciprocated to you.

Being right with and for myself

Hey

It’s Qui with the first episode of myself. I want to paint a picture of my thoughts and what runs through this brain of mine. Today I’ve had thoughts about how I am constantly in self battle with myself. I have been in constant situations where I blame myself for things happening in my life and I try not to sometimes but somethings just always seems like they are my fault. For instance my mum’s death which is the biggest blame i have for myself. I mean it’s hard not to beat myself about because this was my best friend that I just lost and I did not even get a chance to say goodbye. But do not worry about me,I am constantly reminding myself to be right with it and after being right with it I can be right with myself.

How do I become right with myself? Is there a procedure?

Procedure, not really. Once you learn to see yourself in your eyes and through the eyes of the people who truly matter and love you, then the process of being right with or for yourself begins. I may not have gone through even half of what the world has in store for me but I have seen myself in situations that I did not think I would come out from and you see I did. And therefore I learn to appreciate me for being strong through those moments. And that’s exactly where being right with and for me comes in. I have to learn to do things for me, to think for me, to take action for me, and to love me because the moment you start being right for others before yourself, you lose control over your own self and begin being the other.

So what if someone dies, breaks your heart, bullies you, raises a hand on you, just pick yourself up, walk out and start a fresh. Start learning new things about yourself. I make a habit of learning something new about myself every Thursday and this has really helped me a person who has gone through depression before and I’m loving it. That’s one of the many ways you can be and do right with and for yourself.

Photo by anouar olh on Pexels.com

Introduction

Hey

My name is Stacy Wangui but I mostly prefer Qui.

Why name my blog Oceans Deep you may ask. I can say I really connect with the waters and everything around it. I feel like the creatures living inside it mostly connect with my different emotions. How do they ?  Different creatures  living inside the ocean have different characteristics which includes the way they communicate, reproduce, prey, feed, move, among other characteristics. And I feel that the different ways they react to certain situations or occasions, I can connect to them.  The different ways that they do things may not be interpreted directly but if you dig deeper and try and understand the motions and the purposes and all, you might come to find out you too are like them one way or another. We are all connected due to the plain scientific fact that we come from the Kingdom Animalia when group classified. Okay okay too much science for now, I really get carried away most times, I live for science as a hobby.

Anyway back to the ocean. Another funny fact as to why I connect to the waters is because the ONLY sport I can truly participate in and I know I’m good at it is swimming and it gives me a whole chilling satisfaction every time I get into the water, it’s a whole new feeling all together. I guess I was born in the wrong section of the earth, land is not for me at all.

Here is my introduction , lets dive into it( please get the joke).

Photo by Belle Co on Pexels.com

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton